Coney Island to Look into Recent Outbreak of Vandalism

by | Sep 6, 2017 | The Lampoon | 4 comments

WORCESTER – The Worcester Police Detective Bureau has been called into action after a recent outbreak of vandalism at George’s Coney Island.

“Apparently some people thought it would be funny to carve their names into a booth,” Detective Roger Murphy said.

“I will have those perps know that we are taking this matter seriously and already have some tips on who the leaders may be. We are currently looking into a few main suspects, one of them goes by the name of David 1924 and another who goes by Wanda 1923. Any information on these two would be greatly appreciated,” Murphy added.

Coney Island to Look into Recent Outbreak of Vandalism 1

Photo by MJBarnes on flickr

The recent carvings have sparked concern with the ownership of Coney Island and they are afraid that there may be copycat carvers waiting in the wings.

“I just don’t want this to start a trend,” proclaimed the man behind the counter as he stacked 65 hotdogs up one arm around the back of his neck and down the other arm.

“We have a business to run and we take pride in our appearance as a first class establishment, we go that extra mile to make sure everything is clean and updated. I mean where else gives you a straw to stick in your can of Polar Cola?”

“He’s Right!” Detective Murphy exclaimed, his smile full of mystery beef sauce and onions. “If we let vandalism stand here, what goes next? Ralphs? The Dive? The Cove?”

With that, Murphy slugged the rest of his chocolate milk and began to fingerprint the scene.

If you or anyone you know has information on anyone that may have carved their name into the booths at Coney Island please reach out to the Worcester Police Department.

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The Worcester Lampoon is a news satire branch of We use made-up names in all of our articles, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Our goal is to poke fun at Worcester with more class and taste than you can imagine in your small brain.