WORCESTER – Former Worcester Ice Cats mascot Scratch has officially been added to the list of celebrities to appear on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab starring renowned psychologist and addiction expert Dr. Drew Pinsky.

“It all started when I was just a young Ice Kitten,” Scratch said as he puffed an unfiltered Camel cigarette.

“What kind of dirtbag parents give their kids a present tense verb as a name and think they won’t get picked on? ‘Hi Bill.  Hi Bob. I’m Scratch.  Friggin Scratch… It’s not even a cool verb. That’s like naming your kid Swing or Tinkle. I had NO chance,” Scratch added.

Back in 2005, Scratch took a turn for the worst when the Ice Cats were sold to Peoria, Illinois and became the Rivermen. Since then, Scratch has spent most of his time in Main South back alleys blowing things just to make ends meet.

“So what if I have to landscape to get a few bucks?” Scratch said as he puffed an extra-long Virginia Slim. “There’s not too much work around for an Ice Cat. I don’t even have thumbs for Christ’s sake. And to be honest, I don’t interview very well. Sorry, I’m not sorry if I attack every time some idiot asks me what an Ice Cat is. I DON’T KNOW EITHER.”

“Apparently it’s an aqua blue lion- type animal that likes to figure skate and wave flags and get peed on by stupid kids.”

“Basically this is what it comes down to” Scratch continued as he chugged his 14th bottle of Zima and threw the empty into a pile. “I’m a 50 year old washed up Ice Cat that is addicted to Cat Nip, Coke and Diet Coke. I’m on a caffeine high that would make Nicholas Cage look calm and I’m going head first into the boards with no ice to spare.”

“I need Dr. Drew. I need one last Mass Electric Power Play — but this time for my soul,” Scratch said as he wept.

About Worcester Lampoon Staff

The Worcester Lampoon is a news satire branch of ThisWeekinWorcester.com. We use made-up names in all of our articles, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Our goal is to poke fun at Worcester with more class and taste than you can imagine in your small brain.

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