Gaffney Passed Out on Couch At Mayoral Race Deadline

by | Sep 21, 2017 | The Lampoon | 0 comments

As the deadline approached on Tuesday, Sept. 19 for the potential candidates running in the upcoming Worcester mayoral race, it still was not clear who would be facing off against incumbent Mayor Joseph M. Petty.

Sources have told the Worcester Lampoon that City Councilor At-Large Michael T. Gaffney had every intention of running against Petty again this year, but due to several takes of his online YouTube series “Cheers Worcester,” Gaffney had too much to drink to make it to Worcester’s City Hall to fill out the necessary papers to run.

Gaffney Passed Out on Couch At Mayoral Race Deadline 1

“He’s asleep. Or he’s passed out,” Gaffney’s cameraman Ned Chosten told the Lampoon. “He screwed up seven takes before he finally got this episode right. Eight glasses of wine in thirty minutes would knock anyone out.”

The Lampoon reached out to Mr. Gaffney for a comment, but we could not decipher the slurred words after he answered his cell phone.

Upon hearing that Gaffney was “sleeping one off,” fellow Councilor At-Large Konstantina B. Lukes jumped at the opportunity, put out her cigarette, downed a glass of chardonnay and got her ass down to City Hall and submitted her papers for the mayoral race.

“What a lightweight,” Lukes said when asked if she was surprised that Gaffney failed to submit his nomination papers.

Mayor Petty replied, “Phew,” when he heard the news about Gaffney. Petty then went to tie his own “one” off.

So, Mr. Gaffney will not be running for mayor, but the City of Worcester may see an uptick in wineries in the near future.  People make choices based on their outlooks, some are glass is half full, others are glass is half empty, we believe Mr. Gaffney is just happy there’s a glass and that it has wine in it.

Cheers, Worcester!

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The Worcester Lampoon is a news satire branch of We use made-up names in all of our articles, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Our goal is to poke fun at Worcester with more class and taste than you can imagine in your small brain.