Greendale Mall is the Pride of Worcester

by | Oct 10, 2017 | The Lampoon | 0 comments

From the Lampoon Archives, circa 1999:

There is one thing that everyone in this city can agree on: the Greendale Mall is the flagship, the pride and joy, for a growing and expanding Worcester.

Greendale Mall is the Pride of Worcester 1

Photo: John Phelan/Wikimedia Commons

All it takes is one step into the beautiful sun filled main hallway for shoppers to feel the energy and life that pulses from one end to the other. The cutting edge technology mixed with the new age architecture make the Greendale Mall a combination of palace-like elegance with the hustle and bustle of New York City.

“This place rules,” yelled young Billy Wiggins before he ran back into The Dream Machine, a state-of-the-art arcade packed with youngsters. “This is the best arcade in the world! It’s huge!”

Aside of The Dream Machine is the Food Court, an eater’s paradise with cuisine from around the globe — there is truly something for everyone.

“Do I want a slice of ‘Roni Pie from Sbarro, some Pork Fried greatness from the Chinese place or a McRib Sangy from McDonalds? Heck I will have them all,” exclaimed Greg Gluckman as he jumped into line. “This is one of the best food courts in the entire COUNTRY! All we need is to snag York’s Steakhouse from the Auburn Mall and we will have it all!”

The main mall is one story above. Take the space age escalator or the fogged glass encased Wonkavator to what one could only call a “Mega Mall.” From Lechmere to Marshalls, KB Toys to Rave you couldn’t swing a cat by the tale without hitting a great retail shop.

“The stores are one thing, but let’s not forget about our kiosks as well. We have Piercing Pagoda for any 16 -year-old that wants an infection and nose ring, we have the multi-color popcorn stand for those that like popcorn but are bored with the color of it and we have THE BEANIE BABY CART! These things sell like hotcakes and will ONLY GO UP in value!” said the guy who owns the Beanie Baby Cart.

If the Greendale Mall is any indication of how the city is doing on a whole, we are in great shape! Simon says this mall will be around forever!

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The Worcester Lampoon is a news satire branch of We use made-up names in all of our articles, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Our goal is to poke fun at Worcester with more class and taste than you can imagine in your small brain.