Jose Canseco Signs 1-Year Deal with the Worcester Railers

by | Sep 10, 2017 | The Lampoon | 3 comments

WORCESTER- The Worcester Railers HC made an historic announcement today as former Worcester Tornadoes outfielder and longtime steroid mule Jose Canseco was signed to a one year deal.

Little is known about Canseco’s hockey abilities but fans assume, like most Cuban Americans he will be great at ice skating and general hockey knowledge.

Jose Canseco Signs 1-Year Deal with the Worcester Railers 1

Jose Canseco with Worcester Tornadoes in 2012/Photo from Wikimedia Commons

Railers  fans believe that Canseco will be used mostly as a brawler after witnessing his slober-knocker of a celebrity boxing match that ended as a majority draw (those exist?) vs. well known Tough guy and former Partridge Family bass guitarist the 5’7” Danny Bonaduce.

Canseco said he is very excited because has been on ice for years and thinks that the Crystal Meth will really help enhance his play.  He says the team is aptly named as he has been blowing rails since he was 18.

Fans gathered around to catch a glimpse of the one-time Nash Bridges guest star as he threw weights around the DCU Center in a fit of rage before signing his contract and sleeping with the concession stand girl on the Zamboni.

“This is an original Canseco Tornadoes Jersey in almost used condition, I want him to John Hancock it under the ketchup stain” said toothless Mike from Belmont St., a fan of both the Railers and Canseco, before he ran to catch his bus.

Self-proclaimed “expert at nunchuks,” Canseco looks to add another notch on the belt of life as he adds hockey to the list of baseball, reality tv, boxing and mixed martial arts — all of which he was very mediocre at.

In order to celebrate such a joyous signing the Railers have added some very fun nights to the calendar such as, “Bacne Night,” where every fan with excessive back acne is free, as well as everyone’s favorite; Hypodermic Needle Appreciation Night!

Everyone looks forward to another short lived season with Jose Canseco!

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The Worcester Lampoon is a news satire branch of We use made-up names in all of our articles, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Our goal is to poke fun at Worcester with more class and taste than you can imagine in your small brain.