Local Pool Shark Places Candles Outside of Jillian’s

by | Sep 11, 2017 | The Lampoon | 1 comment

WORCESTER – On Monday, Ted “Cue Ball” Richards was seen laying a wreath and candles outside of the former Jillian’s Billiards Hall.

Local Pool Shark Places Candles Outside of Jillian’s 1

“I had so many good memories there” Richards said through a mask of tears running down his face like an eight ball running into the corner pocket.

“I remember taking my wife Rhonda here on our first date, just like every other guy in Worcester would do,” he muttered.

Richards, who just turned 45 last week, states that this is the worst birthday he has ever had and just wants the chance to play one more video game, one more round of pool, see one more lowered imported car and pay to watch one more UFC fight in an uncomfortable environment, surrounded by guys in Affliction shirts all claiming to have some MMA experience.

“There is just no other place like it around,” Richards continued. “Now if I want to play pool I have to go all the way to Webster Square to that place aside of the cowboy saloon. Nobody wants to play pool there. Those Dance Ranch people are insane. You’ll be in the middle of a shot then all of a sudden the door gets broken down by a line of western enthusiasts’ violently square dancing. It’s madness.”

In closing, Richards put it simply, “I will miss the nights with cover charges for no reason. I will miss the girls in hoop earrings with slicked back dyed hair smacking gum and bending over at the waist showing their thongs ever so slightly as they take a shot. And I will miss eating chicken wings the size, taste and texture of human forearms.

“But most of all I will miss having absolutely no place to park and wondering if the bank next door will really tow me,” he added.

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The Worcester Lampoon is a news satire branch of ThisWeekinWorcester.com. We use made-up names in all of our articles, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Our goal is to poke fun at Worcester with more class and taste than you can imagine in your small brain.