WORCESTER – Former Worcester staple Maurice the Pants Man set to reopen its doors this summer with a brand new concept in the same old terrifying location.

“I think we lost touch with our customer base” stated Maurice Lebowitzmanburgstien, better known as Maurice the Pants Man. “I think taking the focus off of my one true love, pants, and putting the focus more on complete outfits is the way to go.”

He added, “I’m a pants man, maybe you’re a pants man, but we are not all pants men. A lot of people — believe it or not —  shirt guys or shoe people. So I think if we turn our attention to those less desirable, yet equally important outfit pieces, we will see the success we once had with pants.”

Mr. Lebowitzmanburgstien plans not only to reopen the store but also the bargain outlet in the parking lot across the street.

Lebowitzmanburgstien said, “If you need a giant monotone t-shirt that smells like mothballs and you have two shiny quarters in your pocket, we got ourselves a deal.”

 As Maurice works on showing the public that he is more than just a pants man, he said he knows that in his heart of hearts he will never change.

“I’m not going to lie, every time a customer comes to the register my belly flutters with hopes that they have a cart full of pants, but at the end of the day the world is changing and so must I,” Lebowitzmanburgstien said.

Be on the lookout as Maurice the Full Outfit Man will be putting coupons such as, buy a shirt get pants free or buy pants get more pants free, in local newspapers and magazines soon.

About Worcester Lampoon Staff

The Worcester Lampoon is a news satire branch of ThisWeekinWorcester.com. We use made-up names in all of our articles, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Our goal is to poke fun at Worcester with more class and taste than you can imagine in your small brain.

7 Responses to “Maurice The Pants Man to Re-Brand as Maurice the Full Outfit Man”

  1. Bernie Ravelson

    First of all this is so not funny on a satire basis. If this is the best you got then just give it up! Besides that my dad is Maurice and would find it insulting so take it down!

    Reply
    • Erik Stahl

      My dad is Gunnar the Cobbler is, I believe, the Shoe Man referenced here. He would be insulted by your soleless response and overall lack of humor. Maybe toss on some Unionbay Zubaz and Doc Martens and relax.

      Reply
  2. Pedro

    Wow, tough crowd. Anti-Semitic??? This world has gone completely soft. Everyone loved Maurice’s, including I’m sure, the writer of the piece. If you can’t find the humor in this article just give up.

    Reply
  3. ClarkSmigman

    Wait a second if Maurice’s has been closed who the hell has been selling me pants….

    Reply

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