San Francisco Giants Eyeing Canal District Relocation

by | Sep 28, 2017 | The Lampoon | 0 comments

WORCESTER – The San Francisco Giants have sent several official team representatives to Worcester over the past two-weeks to find a suitable space for a stadium as part of an effort to relocate the struggling NL team.

San Francisco Giants Eyeing Canal District Relocation 1

Giants officials are reportedly searching for a city, somewhere they describe as “quiet like, y’know sort of off the grid” where the team can blend in and be 90% less visible than they are right now in San Francisco.

This season, the San Francisco Giants can only be described as terrible or as Worcester residents prefer – “Awful.”

At the time this story went to press, the Giants were a shockingly lousy 39 games out of first place in the National League West and closing in on 100 losses.

“The idea being this, we stink.” said Roy Hobbes, Director of Public Relations for the team, “We need to regroup, restructure, redesign and rebuild. Emotionally speaking, this will be very difficult in a city as cool and in your face as San Francisco. Worcester is the perfect choice for us to blend into the woodwork for a few years.”

The discussions between the team and Worcester city officials have been reported as being “awkward”, “uncomfortable”, and even “embarrassing” by some. One report from an anonymous city official claims that during preliminary meetings with the Giants, representatives from the Executive Office of Economic Development kept looking at the floor, swishing their feet back and forth and checking their phones.

One city official apparently spent ten minutes trying to stifle laughter only to give up, apologize and leave the room doubled over in hysterics.

San Francisco Giants Eyeing Canal District Relocation 2

“We’d really like to help them out.” said the City Manager who preferred not to disclose his name. “But the truth is, the Giants suck and they are probably going to suck for like five more years. Hiding in a media barren city like Worcester isn’t going to help that. We’d rather put our resources behind the Railers or a potential Arena Football League franchise. Something with some solid potential for long-term success.”

The sites reportedly attractive to the Giants were all located in the Canal District.

Hobbes said, “From what we hear, the rest of the city is like a desert or something.”

One plan includes building ten 100 foot solid steel platforms that could support the weight of brand new stadium and parking garage placed on top of the existing Crompton and Knowles building.

“That appears to be the only place in Worcester that can support any kind of new project.” said Mr. Hobbes.

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The Worcester Lampoon is a news satire branch of We use made-up names in all of our articles, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Our goal is to poke fun at Worcester with more class and taste than you can imagine in your small brain.