Study Shows City’s Student Absenteeism Desire Rate Rising Sharply

by | Sep 16, 2017 | The Lampoon | 0 comments

WORCESTER – The number of students enrolled in Worcester Public Schools who are currently spending their days wishing that they had skipped last year increased at an alarming rate, according to a recent study conducted by an omnipotent think tank located somewhere in America charging what can only be described as “mad stacks” for their services.

Study Shows City's Student Absenteeism Desire Rate Rising Sharply 1

In the 2016-2017 school year, 99.96% of Worcester school children reported that, although they got out of bed, brushed their teeth, ate breakfast and went to school, they were not at all happy about it. This figure has been steadily climbing since the first Absentee Aspiration study was conducted in 1947.

But the 2016-17 figures indicate a growing concern.

By comparison in 2007, the last time the city spent oodles of buckeroos on a similar study, only 57% of Worcester students were considering how there school day may have turned out had they ditched and went to the park instead.

“It’s studies like these that make me wonder why I didn’t get into the think tank business,” Superintendent Maureen Binienda said. “How much did we pay for this again? Was this the meeting that happened while I was in Maui?”

Superintendent Binienda’s administration, which earlier this year formed a city wide task force to come up with solutions for the growing problem, some of which may lead to ethical and moral questions.

“It’s clear that we have to introduce some high tech mind control system,” said Binienda. “Something like the Vulcan Mind Meld. In Star Trek IV, Spock used it to talk to a freaking whale. We need something like that to get inside the students heads and kind of give their brain a shove when they start thinking about how great their day would have been if they had only skipped school.”

Of the 25,481 students currently listed as “active” with Worcester Public Schools, 9 of them (0.035314%) claim that they haven’t spent any time thinking about how great it would be if they were just outside or even hanging out on a bench somewhere getting some fresh air.

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