WORCESTER – Due to the threat of a recent lawsuit from lawyer/criminal [and not the other way around] Henry Rodriguez, Worcester Police Chief Steve Sargent has authorized pillows and blankets for criminals and deadbeats that get picked up in transport wagons.

“We can no longer risk these criminals not being comfortable on their rides to the police station after we arrest them for dealing drugs, sexual assault, and armed robbery. Can’t do it. We want to make sure these scumbags can snuggle up on their way to doing serious time,” Chief Sargent told the Lampoon.

On Friday it was reported that Attorney Rodriguez is representing a man that was injured THREE YEARS AGO after falling in a transport wagon due to police officers speeding to get these brainless thugs into jail as soon as possible.

Rodriguez said, “Now that the WPD is finally taking me seriously as I hunt for anyone that has ever even got a splinter in their thumb in police custody so I can financially benefit from my client’s stupidity, we hope these pillows and blankets can help my clients rest on their short ride to prison for the hundredth time.”

According to Sargent, all transport wagons will be equipped with 100% down comforters and pillows. Additionally, each habitual offender will receive a juice box if they’re thirsty.

“There won’t be any snacks, that’s for sure,” Sargent said. “But we may stop off at McDonald’s on the way to the station.”

WORCESTER – In what will almost inevitably shake up this year’s municipal election, the Worcester Lampoon has received screenshots of a conversation between a local politician and an anonymous sender known only as “Mom.”

“I don’t know how they got out there. I swear I don’t. This may ruin my chances,” the city council candidate, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Lampoon.

Lampoon Staff Member’s First Reaction to Reading Inappropriate Text Screenshots

Most of the texts between “Mom” and the city council candidate were questions directed at the candidate from “Mom,” and, quite frankly, were perverse.

One text from “Mom” read: “What time will you be home?” – a clear booty call if we’ve ever seen one.

Sifting through the messages, “Mom” even told the candidate to “Bring home some bacon.”

The Lampoon Staff vigorously dissected each message and — in between taking turns of puking their brains out — narrowed down the worst exchanges, including the following:

  1. Mom: “It’s really moist.”

         Candidate: “What is?”

         Mom: “My cake.”

 

2.     Mom: “What’re you wearing?’

        Candidate: “What I always wear.”

        Mom: “That’s nice. [Heart emoji]”

 

3.      Mom: “Are you hungry?”

        Candidate: “Always.”

        Mom: “I have something waiting for you at home.”

 

“Sickening, sickening stuff,” said one of the candidates now-former supporters. “Whoever this ‘mom’ floozy is, she’s ruined his political career. You just can’t bounce back from this.”

At press time, the candidate could be seen trying to destroy his phone in the driveway of his parent’s house.

WORCESTER – Worcester’s Mayor Joseph M. Petty is trying to gobble up votes this coming election by launching his new “Petty AF” Initiative throughout the city.

Petty ‘AF’ or ‘as f*!k’, a popular internet catchphrase, refers to the characteristics of an individual who is inclined to focus on and react to trivialities. These people generally overreact to small, otherwise insignificant scenarios.

“Plus, it’s my last name!” Petty added, grinning proudly.

Following his scandal earlier this year, in which he referred to pro-sanctuary city protesters as ‘morons, morons, morons’, Mayor Petty has has decided to spend the last few months of his term leaning into his new bad-boy persona.

“We’re all always focusing on these huge problems,” said Petty. “Global warming, immigration, international espionage. I don’t want the citizens of this great city to forget about the smaller, every day annoyances. As a public servant, I commit to reminding them of those trivialities as frequently as possible.”

When asked about the old adage about not sweating the petty stuff, the mayor candidly replied, ““Oh, I’m sweatin’ it. I’m sweatin’ it real good.”

The initiative kicked off officially last Saturday on Worcester Common, with many of Worcester’s residents crowding the area outside the building with signs and chants in support of the new campaign.

During Petty’s opening remarks, in which he referred to the audience as ‘the good kind of large crowd’, hundreds of members of his administrative staff stood patiently on the surrounding sidewalks, ticketing the participants’ cars the moment that their meters ran out.

“A lot of people forget that meters run on Saturdays,” Petty told us with a smirk. “Morons.”

Petty’s tickets don’t stop at expired meters. “Jaywalking, rolling stops at stop signs, you name it,” he said.  

In the days leading up to the election, Mayor Petty plans on spending full work days searching his own name on the internet and responding to disparaging comments made about him.

“This one guy said my suit looked too big, like I didn’t have it tailored right,” Petty told the Lampoon. “I told him his wife was fat, and then I figured out where he worked and got him fired.”

“I love this job!” he added with a frantic scream at nearby onlooker. “Ya moron!”

As the deadline approached on Tuesday, Sept. 19 for the potential candidates running in the upcoming Worcester mayoral race, it still was not clear who would be facing off against incumbent Mayor Joseph M. Petty.

Sources have told the Worcester Lampoon that City Councilor At-Large Michael T. Gaffney had every intention of running against Petty again this year, but due to several takes of his online YouTube series “Cheers Worcester,” Gaffney had too much to drink to make it to Worcester’s City Hall to fill out the necessary papers to run.

“He’s asleep. Or he’s passed out,” Gaffney’s cameraman Ned Chosten told the Lampoon. “He screwed up seven takes before he finally got this episode right. Eight glasses of wine in thirty minutes would knock anyone out.”

The Lampoon reached out to Mr. Gaffney for a comment, but we could not decipher the slurred words after he answered his cell phone.

Upon hearing that Gaffney was “sleeping one off,” fellow Councilor At-Large Konstantina B. Lukes jumped at the opportunity, put out her cigarette, downed a glass of chardonnay and got her ass down to City Hall and submitted her papers for the mayoral race.

“What a lightweight,” Lukes said when asked if she was surprised that Gaffney failed to submit his nomination papers.

Mayor Petty replied, “Phew,” when he heard the news about Gaffney. Petty then went to tie his own “one” off.

So, Mr. Gaffney will not be running for mayor, but the City of Worcester may see an uptick in wineries in the near future.  People make choices based on their outlooks, some are glass is half full, others are glass is half empty, we believe Mr. Gaffney is just happy there’s a glass and that it has wine in it.

Cheers, Worcester!

“Phew. I thought I was a goner there,” Rick Moletti said as he woke up from a dream in which he got trampled to death by the Worcester St. Patrick’s Day parade.

Moletti, an Italian-American, has never even attended the St. Patrick’s Day parade in Worcester, but the vivid details of his dream would suggest otherwise.

“The South High Community high school marching band walked all over me,” Moletti said, while he was still sweating and shaking.

Sources close to Moretti with information about his sleeping habits told the Lampoon that Moretti was a lousy sleeper to begin with because he eats Blue Jeans Pizza late at night.

“Sometimes I can’t help myself,” Moretti said. “But I think I’ve finally been scared straight. After that thirteenth shopping carriage filled with cheap plastic toys rolled over me, I finally came to.”

“This would’ve never happened if I dreamed I was at the Columbus Day parade on Shrewsbury St.,” Moretti continued. “No one even goes to that. I’d still be alive…in my dream, that is.”

At press time, Moretti had gone back to sleep.

WORCESTER – For decades, parade goers all-across America have enjoyed the hilarious, out of control driving style of funny little Shriner cars. Now, Worcester becomes the first city in the United States to sign an agreement with Las Vegas company Wee Hee, LTD bringing Shriner Car-sharing to the masses.

“The reason why this is a fabulous idea is simple. It’s little yellow Shriner cars. End of story,” said Wee Hee, Ltd spokesman Frank Vincent.

The little yellow circus cars are equipped with bouncy shock absorbers, side-splittingly funny “aooooogaaaa” horns, one working headlight and a cell phone holder.

The company says that anyone over the age of eighteen can hop into one of these little yellow beauties whenever they come across one and ride for as long as they want. Users are encouraged to utilize the standard “wild serpentine” driving style that is scientifically proven to guarantee optimum performance.

To start, the city will have 390 of the cute as hell little putt-putts available to residents.

WORCESTER – Canal District residents rejoice as the developers of The Edge at Union Station apartments finally commit to the development of the smaller, yet much more pretentious Bono apartments.

This comes after many people have commented that the Edge apartments are cool and seem to really be the foundation of something great, but they just want something more, something that is very in your face.

“We really like what we have done with The Edge building,” The Edge developer Adam Clayton said. “We just want something for everyone. For the people that like substance, consistency and structure we have The Edge, and for the people that like flash, sunglasses and arrogance, The Bono will be right up their alley.”

Although the building will be small in stature, expect The Bono to be one magnificent building.

“It is short — which will be good for those with vertigo, and we won’t have to worry much about the elevation. But don’t let that fool you. This building is like the Playboy Mansion. The first floor will have a one of a kind virtual discotheque called The Crystal Ballroom that is even better than the real thing along with a Miami themed restaurant called Cedarwood Road offering a unique menu and cocktails,” Operations Manager and former Miss Sarajevo Iris Grace Gloria said.

The 40 room building was set to open in October, but has been pushed back to New Year’s Day as the block they are looking to build it on is where the streets have no name still.

“The city is not fully cooperating with us and it’s helter skelter right now,” Larry Mullen Jr., the baby face project manager, said. “But I told them, we are going to do this with or without you even if we have to open our doors on a bloody Sunday!”

The Bono is taking early deposits and the list is filling up fast. It will be a beautiful day for the city when this new residential building opens up as the crown jewel in a city of blinding lights.

WORCESTER – After a long and turbulent road, the final verdict came down from the state yesterday, and Worcester will not be allowed to kick out Vernon Hill. This has left many in the city, especially those on the west side, very disappointed.

“We tried our best,” said Mayor — and part- time cartoon bad guy — Joseph Petty. “We pointed out all of the reasons we wanted Vernon Hill, with the obvious annexation of Worcester Academy, to be removed from the official city limits and we came up just a bit short.”

What does this mean for the rest of us? Well, in the short term it means we must put up with Vernon Hill and all of its insanity for at least a few more years, but don’t worry, the city council has not given up yet.

“We still have an appeal that we can file, and we will do our very best to wipe Vernon Hill from the record books” stated a councilor who wished to remain unnamed.

“If they kick us out the joke is on them,”  John Franco, a Vernon Hill native, said through a grin that spread from cheek to unshaven cheek. “Good luck getting propah health care, without being able to go to St. Vincent’s Hospital. Let alone the wicked awesome land mahks you’d be losing. Like this house ovah there. Babe Ruth played cahds in there once.”

Although Franco brought up some great points, city officials expect to press on.

“If we don’t get the green light to banish Vernon Hill, we will be starting a project to build a wall around it. It will be a great wall, the very best wall, and the greatest part is Vernon Hill will pay for it,” said Mayor Petty, amidst “Build the wall!” chants echoing through Tatunck Square.

Expect traffic delays as protestors are set to march down Dorchester Street to 290 next week.

WORCESTER – Great news for Worcester’s female [and male] population broke last week as plans for the vacant Big D on mill street were revealed at a city council permit meeting.

Tony Spimoni, also known as “Tony the Banana Man” bought the property and has his eyes set on an untapped market. “What do we got around here?” the Banana Man quipped.“ We got Hurricane Betty’s and that place down the street that is a new club every month. But what don’t we got here? We don’t have one single all male review club.”

The best part is that they can keep all the branding the same. “You kiddin me? The Big D?” Tony said,as he swung his hips back and forth enough to make any person squirm a bit in their seat. “We don’t even gotta change the name!”

The Banana Man believes this could be the start of a Las Vegas-esque “strip” – pun intended – down Mill Street.

“You start at the Big D,” Spimoni said as he looked down the road. “Right across the street is the majestic Coes Pond. I picture some sort of river boat or garbage barge in there. Then we move our way down to O’Coins. Yeah, that’s right, I’m bringing it back but this time it’s an Irish bank. Boom.”

Spimoni continued, “Next we go to Colonial Bowl a place people can hang out for 12 hours and spend four bucks, we need stuff like that. And we finish the strip at Ken Chins the windowless pit of doom that I have never seen anyone ever enter or leave.”

Spimoni is very excited about the opening of The Big D male strip club and just hopes that there is enough parking for all of the guests.

In closing Tony said, “What can I say, I’m a histories buff and I’m glad to bring back the Big D, but one things for sure, this neon sign won’t be the only Big D you’ll see when you’re here.”

WORCESTER – Former Worcester Ice Cats mascot Scratch has officially been added to the list of celebrities to appear on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab starring renowned psychologist and addiction expert Dr. Drew Pinsky.

“It all started when I was just a young Ice Kitten,” Scratch said as he puffed an unfiltered Camel cigarette.

“What kind of dirtbag parents give their kids a present tense verb as a name and think they won’t get picked on? ‘Hi Bill.  Hi Bob. I’m Scratch.  Friggin Scratch… It’s not even a cool verb. That’s like naming your kid Swing or Tinkle. I had NO chance,” Scratch added.

Back in 2005, Scratch took a turn for the worst when the Ice Cats were sold to Peoria, Illinois and became the Rivermen. Since then, Scratch has spent most of his time in Main South back alleys blowing things just to make ends meet.

“So what if I have to landscape to get a few bucks?” Scratch said as he puffed an extra-long Virginia Slim. “There’s not too much work around for an Ice Cat. I don’t even have thumbs for Christ’s sake. And to be honest, I don’t interview very well. Sorry, I’m not sorry if I attack every time some idiot asks me what an Ice Cat is. I DON’T KNOW EITHER.”

“Apparently it’s an aqua blue lion- type animal that likes to figure skate and wave flags and get peed on by stupid kids.”

“Basically this is what it comes down to” Scratch continued as he chugged his 14th bottle of Zima and threw the empty into a pile. “I’m a 50 year old washed up Ice Cat that is addicted to Cat Nip, Coke and Diet Coke. I’m on a caffeine high that would make Nicholas Cage look calm and I’m going head first into the boards with no ice to spare.”

“I need Dr. Drew. I need one last Mass Electric Power Play — but this time for my soul,” Scratch said as he wept.