WORCESTER – An overheard conversation last week at Donut Cafe on Chandler St., has revealed an ugly side to the typically chipper new city councilor Matt Wally.
According to multiple sources, Wally was heard bad-mouthing a stone wall on Highland St., calling the wall “an absolute mess,” “tough to look at” and even went so far as to question the wall’s integrity.
When reached for comment, Wally only said “I’ll do what needs to be done.”
“Clearly the wall has it coming. Matt’s not one to talk poorly about someone…or even some thing. Honestly, if the wall f*%#s up again, I’ll help Matt bring it down,” fellow City Councilor Konnie Lukes said.
When this reporter went to see the wall for himself, there was nothing out of the ordinary. However, many people snubbed the wall when they walked by without even giving it a glance. Clearly, the wall has finally pissed off too many people.
“They don’t call him ‘Wall-y’ for nothing,” District 1 City Councilor Sean Rose said. “Am I right?”
At press time, Wally was seen on Highland St talking shit to the wall.
WORCESTER – The Women’s National Basketball Association [WNBA] announced today that they would be adding an expansion team for next season, the Worcester Renaissance.
“We’re very proud that we can locate a professional women’s basketball team here in the heart of Massachusetts,” said Renaissance team owner James Creigh.
When asked how they decided on a name for the team, Creigh emphatically said it was a no-brainer.
“It’s literally all anyone talks about it here. The term ‘Worcester Renaissance’ runs on several local news sites every single day. Frankly, we have no idea what they’re talking about, but the name rings true to the WNBA and makes as little sense to us as the New York Liberty, Chicago Sky and Miami Sol do,” Creigh said.
The Renaissance inaugural season will kick-off this summer and will play the team will play its home games at Worcester’s DCU Center. Creigh is looking forward to what happens between now and then in Worcester.
“In hindsight, we may have put a little pressure on us and the city by choosing this name. The city isn’t exactly screaming ‘Renaissance,’ you know what I mean? The only enlightening creativity I’ve seen in my short stay here have been clever sayings written by homeless people on cardboard boxes.”
“The other day I saw one that said, ‘I’ll f*%k for a buck.’ Incredible,” Creigh added.
WORCESTER – Steve Buckington, a Worcester native, spent the better part of Wednesday afternoon trying to figure out why the hell people won’t shut up about a Whole Foods opening up in Shrewsbury.
“It’s not even in Worcester. And I’ve been to a supermarket before. Lettuce is lettuce, am I right?” the single, 33-year-old who has yet to shower today, questioned out loud.
Whole Foods opened up to major fanfare by both customers and media across many social media outlets.
“There’s nothing I can’t get at Price Chopper that I need. What is wrong with these people? Have we all lost our minds?!” Buckington yelled, still alone.
“I’ll never set foot in there. I won’t go down as easy as everyone else,” he added.
At press time, Buckington needed milk and was checking the Whole Foods flyer.
AMBOISE, FRANCE – Visitors at the Chapel of Saint Hubert in Amboise, France have been continuously spooked over the past year or so as echoes of spinning bones from inside Leonardo da Vinci’s tomb have occurred on a daily basis.
For months, scientists and archaeologists were baffled by the sounds emanating from da Vinci’s tomb. It was until recently, Dr. James Smochen, a natural history professor from Clark University in Worcester, made the connection between the constant use of the term “renaissance” by Worcester media outlets to describe necessary downtown development and da Vinci’s flipping over and over in his tomb.
Smochen told the Lampoon, “You have to understand. Leonardo da Vinci is the epitome of a Renaissance man. For these news outlets in Worcester to use that term ad nausea day in and day out to refer to new buildings in a small city is clearly pissing da Vinci off. And, quite frankly, who could blame him?”
“These reporters are acting like this development just sprouted from the ground miraculously. da Vinci once said, ‘Art is never finished. Only abandoned.’ And the same could be said about downtown Worcester in the 1980s and, inevitably, five years from now,” Smochen added.
At press time, staff at the Chapel of Saint Hubert had to hold da Vinci’s skeleton down because Telegram & Gazette, MassLive and Worcester Magazine all used the term “renaissance” in the same one hour period because a wig shop opened up on Main St.
WORCESTER – In an unprecedented development, Worcester Regional Transit Authority [WRTA] administrator Jonathan E. Church was seen riding in the backseat of an Uber on Wednesday morning on his way to work.
After the recent report by the Telegram & Gazette that the possibility of major cuts at the WRTA could be on the horizon, Church’s decision to take an alternative form of transportation to the WRTA hub is a surprising one.
When reached for comment, Church told the Lampoon, “No comment.” But then added, “What can I say? Ubers are much cleaner, more reliable and extremely affordable. I’m now a fan of Lyft, too.”
At press time, Church’s Uber hit a puddle in front of a group of people waiting for the bus.
WORCESTER – In what can only be described as a “breathtaking and shocking” discovery, scientists in Geneva, Switzerland have confirmed the existence of the previously held mythical existence of the “Immortal Human.”
“There is a 98% probability that we have discovered an actual living and breathing Immortal Human in Worcester Massachusetts,” said Dr. Ivan Abahdboi, Senior Research Director at the Swiss Miss University School of Genetics, “this discovery puts everything we once thought we knew about human life and turns it into a pile of week old Riz Casimir.”
While refusing to identify the subject by name, scientists have collected thousands of photographs of the person, a Worcester Massachusetts resident, over the last 150 years that show an absolute lack of age progression.
“If you look at this person’s Little League baseball pictures and compare them to pictures taken this year…they are virtually identical,” Dr. Anne O’Ternut, a fellow research specialist at Swiss Miss declares, “the hair line, the eyes, the height…all of it. Identical.”
Up until this point, the “Immortal Human” concept was left primarily to literature and Greek mythology just like unicorns and downtown Worcester retail foot-traffic. But following this breakthrough, scientists are left wondering about the possibility of more Immortal Humans walking among us.
“Nah…he’s probably the only one,” concludes Dr. Abahdboi, “It is strange however that he’s spent the last 150 years or so in that one, small, non-descript city.”
WORCESTER – Rapper Ja Rule has begun looking at real estate in the Worcester area after being downright shocked that people had a good time at his concert at the Worcester Palladium last Saturday night.
“Quite frankly, I thought the show was a dumpster fire, but these Worcester folks seem to appreciate anything they can get and clearly don’t know any better,” Ja Rule’s agent Tim Hurley told the Worcester Lampoon.
Ja Rule, born Jeffery Edward Atkins, performed with R&B artist Ashanti in front of a sold out crowd in downtown Worcester.
According to Hurley, Ja Rule is looking at homes in the Tatnuck Sq area to be near the Worcester airport and hopes to perform every weekend in Worcester once “he gets settled in.”
”Ja Rule has never seen such fervent demand for his music. We saw this tour as a cash grab because we know well that he’s a has-been,” Hurley said. “But Worcester has proved to us that there are populations that like to live in the past and are willing to spend money on people that haven’t been popular in nearly twenty years.”
At press time, Ashanti was scrolling Craigslist for a two bedroom apartment in one of Worcester’s famous three-deckers.
WORCESTER – A feeling of fear and panic has spread through the streets of Worcester faster than a Flowbee could run across Trump’s head after news broke late last night that the President of the United States is looking to eliminate shitholes from the country.
“This isn’t good,” Worcester’s Mayor Joseph Petty said as he velcroed up his large white tennis shoes for a more casual, man of the people look.
“How could he think Worcester is a shithole? We have done so much lately,” Petty added as he snapped the buttons on the fly of his stone washed Levi 501 jeans for a more nifty dude of the streets look.
The mayor went on to site several reasons Worcester could avoid the seemingly ominous sentence handed down to shitholes around the counrty by the President.
“We have a new hockey team! Sure, this team is a level below the teams we’ve had in the past, but they are a team none the less! We also have a professional basketball team called the 69ners or 35ers or something that play every week at the Main Street YMCA, and if that ain’t cool then I’m not a caricature of Dracula without the fangs!” Mayor Petty said, as he took his sleepy time retainer out of his teeth.
“On top of all that, we are PRETENDING to get the Pawtucket Redsox and Amazon Headquarters! Do shitholes pretend to do stuff like that? No, no they don’t!” Petty exclaimed as he popped on a backwards ball cap like all of the kids do now a days.
“I am not the savior the city wants! I am the savior the city needs,” the Mayor yelled at the top of his lungs before he walked out of his office and ran really, really fast to his car because City Hall is scary.
The fear of being deemed a shithole and removed from the United States is real, but with all of the lateral movements painted as improvements, the city may just make the cut…. This time.
WORCESTER – The City of Worcester’s Department of Public Works was called “useless” by residents and government officials alike this week as they witnessed city workers letting the Sun do the dirty work of clearing snow from the city’s streets.
”Our tax money goes to this?” asked Main South resident Shana Dunlap. “They’re just standing around letting the Sun do all of the work! That ain’t right.”
According to multiple sources, the Sun plans on having all of the snow gone by the end of the weekend.
”In many ways, the DPW is fraught with incompetence. If even half of our city workers gave the same effort the Sun did everyday, this city would thrive during and after snowstorms,” City Manager Edward M. Augustus, Jr. said.
“We’re embarrassed by this. But what can we do?,” asked DPW Commissioner Paul Moosey while he was holding a heat lamp to a large snow bank.
At press time, the Sun was seen starting to work around 7AM and putting in later shifts as each day goes by.
WORCESTER – After checking-out around 7:30 AM on Tuesday morning from Homewood Suites Hotel and pulling onto the rotary at Washington Square, Nashua, NH native Jill Bodgen has found herself trapped going in circles in the inside lane for nearly 72 hours.
In a phone interview with the Worcester Lampoon from her car, Bodgen said, “I can’t make heads or tails of where these lane markings begin or end or where these random arrows are pointing,” while stifling back tears.
According to sources, Bodgen was on her way to check out Kelley Square to see if she could survive it long enough to earn a bumper sticker.
Alas, she never made it.
When the Worcester Lampoon reaches out to the Worcester Police Department to see what they could do to help Bodgen, Chief Steven Sargent said, “There’s nothing we can do. We can’t afford to lose any of our cruisers to that trap. It’s in God’s hands now.”
Appearing perplexed, Homewood Suites hotel manager Larry Fife couldn’t help but wonder, “How in the hell did she make it to the hotel to check-in? You can’t avoid the rotary.”
At press time, Bodgen was heard yelling out the window, “This is my life now!”